Nov. 10th, 2010

iltaru: (Default)
So you know how sometimes I have minor mental crises that are usually caused by a) the fact that I think too much and b) the fact that I panic when I feel overwhelmed?

Hello, surprise crisis over "I don't know what I'm doing, what I will be doing, what I should be doing and maybe even what I shouldn't be doing with my life".

Yes, this was caused by looking at postgraduate courses and a) wondering if I'm good enough, b) wondering if I even want to, which I never questioned before, c) wondering if there's any way I'll achieve some kind of gainful employment next year if I don't, d) realising this is all sort of silly since I ought to be working on my dissertation anyway, and e) having a crisis over whether I'm going to fail everything this year because the crisis tsunami is cresting and, oh yes, and f) feeling useless and guilty because I haven't spoken to far too many of my friends because others of my friends have been having crises of their own.

In short: it is anxiety house party inside my head and everyone's invited, and this all landed in my head in the last ten minutes, and I had wanted to have lunch, not a near-panic attack of fail.

Oh brain, you traitor. And body! You haven't been brilliant lately either! We're still on antibiotics because of you, you git.

What I wish:

I wish I was 1) happily studying (or 1a) gainfully employed), 2) feeling like I am in control and capable of life rather than wishing I could just go back to bed forever, 3) slightly less prone to panicking and 4) felt like there was nice path-ness to follow in my life. Not this big overwhelming hall of noise that is sometimes, when I least want it to be, a blank space of silence.

So. I can manage 1, and probably some of 2. I think I'll get on to the others after lunch.

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iltaru

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