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[personal profile] iltaru
I was going to send a message out in the morning, but I can't sleep and I sort of need to get stuff out of my head, so hello, splurge post with news.

I just broke up with Matt. A few hours ago. And my resolve is rocking on some pretty stormy waters right now, so I need to write some stuff down.

This may or may not come as a shock to you. It pretty much boils down to this: when he was good, he was fantastic, but when he was bad, he was pretty awful, and it's been going from awful to catastrophic since December. And I know he was suffering really badly from depression and was pretty much incapable of listening to me, but that still doesn't mitigate the effect he's had on me, which has been a little bit devastating. And I'm really sad, because he begged me to let him prove that he could get better and he would be better for me, but I just couldn't take any more.

For the last few months I have pretty much been carrying him - the last few months which have been some of the busiest and most stressful of my life, since I had third year, my dissertation, my play, preparing for my final essays, applying for an MA. And in all of that I had Matt behaving ridiculously, picking stupid fights that escalated into terrible rows and not listening to me when I begged him to go talk to someone about the fact that he was behaving like a completely different person, and doing stupid things like phoning my brother to make sure I was okay when I didn't pick my phone up at 8am the day after the ball. The ball. When I had been up until 4 and in any case my brother, because he'd left his keys at a friend's house, had stayed at my house so I wasn't exactly going to be getting up at 8, was I?

In short, the last few months have been really, really tough, and I pretty much exploded in anger last week because I realised that all of the horrible painstaking work that I'd done in counselling trying to piece together my self-confidence and stop being so anxious and doubtful and to allow myself to feel emotions properly had completely gone because I was right back to the awful place in my head that I was in two or three years ago. I didn't explode in anger at anyone, I just had a realisation, and with that realisation came the realisation that as much as I care about Matt, I couldn't cope with being in a relationship with him any more.

And now I feel terribly, terribly sad, because when he wasn't ill he was wonderful. It's been a long time since I've felt happy, though, and I knew that I didn't really trust him enough, I was tired and angry and I just didn't want to have to worry about him any more. I have been nursing him for months, months when I really needed him to be there for me, and when I had to turn to my friends for emotional support that sent him around another twist of the corkscrew because then he was jealous and suspicious and it was ridiculous. It was ridiculous, and it wasn't really him, but he wasn't capable of giving me what I needed. And I broke up with him tonight, and I didn't intend to break up with him yet, but it all just came out when I realised that I didn't want him to come to my house, because right now I need my house to be my haven, but also that I didn't think we could have that conversation at his house or any 'neutral' location.

I know I'm splurging and not making much sense. Sorry. I just need to type this out of my system.

I didn't mean to break up with him so suddenly. And I know that he is very, very upset right now. And I'm upset, too, I'm gutted, because something wonderful has been lost. I just think that for me it's been lost for a while, and I think the damage was irrecuperable. Some of the things that he said and did were unforgivable, and he was desperate, tonight, to prove that he could regain my trust and make everything okay, but I just couldn't face it. I couldn't face him. I don't want him to be upset because I've left him, and I feel terrible about telling him that I had no faith in what would happen next, but it was true. My faith in our relationship has been decimated by some of the arguments we had. And I know he was ill, I know it wasn't really him, but I still can't escape the hurt and anger I feel every time I think about what happened, because I don't think mental illness is an excuse if your girlfriend is weeping in front of you and begging you to go to a doctor and you aren't doing anything about it. For months.

It is such a fucking shame, because a year ago we had something amazing. If he hadn't left Cardiff, we would not be here right now. I can't live with 'what ifs', though. What happened happened, and it was horrible, and it messed my head up. And I love him, but love wasn't enough. I'm not a psychiatrist, I couldn't fix him, trying to fix him broke me apart, and it took him realising that I wanted to leave him to make him change, but for me that change came far too late. I needed him to realise weeks ago - weeks in which I tried to tell him, in every way I knew how, that things were not right, but he wasn't listening. He wasn't capable of listening. I know it wasn't something he chose, but it's still something he caused.

I miss him terribly, and I will miss him, but I also feel like a great weight has lifted off my shoulders. I mustn't second-guess myself, because this was an awful decision to have to come to and I wish it hadn't happened. I wish none of the fights and problems of the last four months had happened, but they did, and I couldn't cope with any more.

Anyway. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, because I think I've got it all out of my system. I think I'm alright. It was a horrible decision, and I feel awful about some parts of it, but I know that I need to be on my own in order to get my head back together. I am so sad that it came to this, but I think it was the right decision for me to make.

It's just such a shame that it happened this way, because I loved him, and now we both feel awful. I just couldn't cope with any more - not even nice things, because the nice things now just made me feel bad about how I've needed him for the past few months and he just hasn't been there.

Anyway. Sleep.
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