darling, I need you far more than I say - none of my fears are as dear to me

[iltaru]

I burst into tears literally the second after Piers and Becky left my flat. I feel an absolute mess at the moment. I'm terrible at being on my own for weeks at a time, it makes me so unhappy. I can surround myself with people during the day as much as I like but Jesus, I've cried myself to sleep twice this week already. I hate being lonely. I hate this. I hate the person that being alone turns me into. This isn't me, this is a misery, an absolute quivering trainwreck of a woman. I feel so fucking ridiculous right now and I can't stop crying. I want to go home. I just don't want to be alone any more. No chance of that for days yet, not until I go home on Friday. I want to go home so much I feel sick. I'm almost ashamed of how upset I am, I pretty much cannot see the screen for the tears. I feel ridiculous, but I know that if I don't get it out, it'll just ferment inside, and that's no good to anyone. I need to sleep, I have rehearsals to direct tomorrow.

I haven't been sleeping lately, either, because I'm coping so badly with life because I am so shit at being so alone. Sorry about the eruption, guys, but this has been building since the beginning of the year and I have got to be able to function. I'm directing a play that's been the closest thing to my heart for such a long time and I just feel like an absolute failure as a person for breaking down as often as I have lately. I've spent most of the last couple of months in a big tear-filled hole because I am that bad at being lonely. So I've got to get it out and look at it and try to cope with it because otherwise I'm going to screw Shiver up and that, I cannot countenance. Not my baby. I worked so hard for this, I fought so fucking hard for the chance to produce this play, I am not going to let myself fuck it up just because I'm having a bad time right now. I am not willing to accept that as a reason, not even from myself. Not when this is so important.

I'm sorry to be such a downer on your flists but I need to get this mess out of my head and onto the page. It is literally just a splurge of everything that I've been choking on, I need to just get it out and then maybe I can get to fucking sleep.

God, I feel so worn down, but I can't get to sleep. I do not like this place in my head. I thought I'd managed to kiss it goodbye forever.

Still, I'll go home for the weekend and that will help. And I'll get out of the hole again, I'm sure, I just can't really see a way out right now. This is likely because it's the middle of the night and a full chorus of insomnia's demons are clinging to my back.

I've stopped feeling sick, at least. Now I actually feel really, really hungry. I'm going to go eat something, maybe drink something milky, and try to get some proper sleep.

Sorry about the rant. I'll be better eventually. I love you all.

Comments

[shanaqui]

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. It's horrible and crushing, I know -- I get it a lot. I'm okay being alone in a familiar space, like my parents' home, or in an environment that feels pretty closed and safe, like Gordon Hall, but one of the things I've learnt this year is that I don't get on well on my own otherwise. At least it's happening at a time where you have things you can turn your mind to, and people around you (Marc, Sean, Piers, Becky, etc, etc) who will look after you, and at least home isn't too terribly far away.

I always tried not to think about it too much, and to do plenty so I could lie down to sleep at night and just drop off. Since that probably isn't working for you, why don't you pick up some herbal sleep aid type things? Nytol? I can't remember if you've ever tried that stuff (and if you have, it might be worth trying again, even if it didn't work so well -- things might be different now). I also found that if, the last hour before you go to bed, you dim the lights, that helps you to be relaxed and get sleepy -- the amount of light impacts quite a lot on how sleepy you feel. Also, don't eat too late on, because that won't help you sleep. Rhythms and routines helped me a lot.

I don't know any other tips I can give. Go home when you can, and try to keep occupied if you can't sleep. Spending nights with other people/with other people around obviously helps. I poked Marc and Sean to look after you for me, so they should be seeing you soon. I'm sorry you don't have a home-away-from-home that you can go to like me.

[iltaru]

Thank you, my dear. Your love and poking of people means so much to me :) I am just rubbish at keeping stuff inside my head and not sleeping. I'm starting to consider getting my hands on herbal help - if things don't get better after I get home, I think I'll start on some.

I hope you're having a superfabulous time at home, too, and I can't wait to see your haircut! xxx

[shanaqui]

*snugs* When I'm back, I can share mine, but I'm not sure where I've put it since I reorganised my drawers.

It's not spectacularly different, though it does seem to be a lot lighter than it was before... I think some of the layers are shorter than Mandy normally does (which is fine with me).